If you’re navigating the waters of co-parenting in the wake of a divorce, you know that sometimes things get blurry when it comes to who pays for what, particularly as your teenager develops opinions, interests, and an overflowing shopping cart of “needs.” Disagreements regarding finances are often one of the main contributors to a break-up.
Money discussions after a breakup are often extra uncomfortable. When teenagers come into the mix with phones, sporting equipment, campus tours, and those premium sneaker drops, suddenly you are negotiating not just where they’ll spend the weekends, you’re managing a shared financial enterprise. Let’s dive into dealing with your child’s lifestyle expenses without turning it into an endless courtroom soap opera.
Who Pays for What? Understanding Teenager Expenses After Divorce
The Basics—What’s Typically in the Court Order
The first stop is official paperwork. Most divorce decrees or custody agreements detail some of the staples, such as who carries health insurance, who pays for costs not covered by insurance, and child support.
Your divorce decree or custody order could also divide some of the other financials related to the child, especially if you share joint physical custody. This often includes the sharing of the costs of extracurriculars, school-related expenses, and clothing.
Sole/Primary Physical Custody Orders v. Joint Physical Custody Orders
While there is some variation by state, in Nebraska, your financial responsibilities under the custody court order vary greatly depending on if one parent has sole (also known as primary) physical custody of the child or if the parents are sharing a joint physical custody schedule.
Sole Custody – Higher Child Support and Less Splitting of Expenses
If one party has sole (aka primary) physical custody, then the child support tends to be higher. However, the sharing of other expenses is generally less. In Nebraska, except for expenses related to health/medical and child care expenses as detailed in the court order, the custodial parent is generally responsible for the other financial expenses for the minor child. The idea is that the non-custodial parent who pays child support is making their contribution towards school costs, extracurriculars, cell phone costs, etc., just by paying the child support.
There is generally not an additional duty under the Court order for the non-custodial parent to pay towards a share of these other expenses in addition to child support. However, this can vary on a case-by-case basis. Generally, if you have sole physical custody, the other party may not have an additional duty to provide for these additional expenses so long as they pay child support.
Joint Custody – Less Child Support but More Sharing of Expenses
On the other hand, in Nebraska, if you have joint physical custody, the child support tends to be much lower or non-existent. Instead, the parents are expected to pay a share of many of the child’s expenses in addition to or in lieu of child support. Depending on the specifics of your situation and what Court entered your order, you may have quite a bit of detail in your joint custody order about what other expenses are shared. For example, you may have to pay a share of extracurriculars, travel costs for extracurriculars, education costs, clothing, cell phone costs, senior photos, or motor vehicle insurance for the teen, among other possible shared expenses.
The first stop is to take a look at your order to see what are your rights and responsibilities are regarding these expenses. Especially if it has been many years since your order was entered, it may be time to modify the terms. Paperwork drafted when the child was young doesn’t always keep up with the realities of the needs of a teenager.
Teenager Expenses After Divorce: Cell Phones, Proms, and PlayStation Subscriptions
If your order does include language about the sharing of expenses, now we’re transitioning into the realm of “what is actually reasonable and necessary” of teen expenses. Teens can come with significant expenses that can go beyond those specifically agreed to be shared between the separated parents in the original paperwork.
If your teenager’s phone bill is not in the separation agreement, who pays for it? What about:
- Car insurance once they start driving?
- The sometimes never-ending string of school activities
- Extracurricular activities
- Educational expenses, like a surprise SAT prep course
- Who will pay for college or other educational costs?
These expenses sometimes aren’t part of the initial negotiations between divorced parents because they can be too speculative to be worth spending time to negotiate when the children are young and the parents can’t agree. If the parents can’t agree on who pays for car insurance, but the child is only 5 years old, it often makes sense to leave that as an issue to be decided at a later time down the road. However, if the child is a teen about to start driving to school and activities, it becomes a pressing issue, and the custody order might not be clear enough as to each party’s responsibilities.
So, you’re left to figure this out in real time, and if you’re not communicating frequently or productively with your co-parent, it can spiral quickly.
Suddenly, you feel like an ATM and that the other parent is getting a free ride. This can bring further resentment into an already tense relationship.
Common Areas of Contention
Clothing
A frequent source of contention is clothing, especially as the child gets older and starts to care about what to wear. “Clothes” can be Walmart t-shirts to one parent and brand-name blouses to another.
If you hold the “they outgrow it in six months” school of thought and your ex is all about staying current with TikTok fashion trends, you might have widely different views on what the child’s needs are or what they should be allowed to spend on clothing. The terms in your court order that worked when the child was in elementary school may create a lot of gray area once your child has entered the teenage years.
If your order states to share in these clothing costs at a certain percentage of responsibility, it may not seem fair if your idea of reasonable clothing expenses is not the same as the other parent’s. For example, you spend $100 on multiple items of clothing on sale at Target for your teen. You request a 50% reimbursement ($50). Instead of sending you the $50, the other parent replies by buying a $100 t-shirt for the teen and claims that now you are square in purchasing clothing 50/50. If the child’s needs were more than just a t-shirt, this response might not be reasonable. On the other hand, if the child won’t wear the sale items, the items purchased at the sale might not be reasonable either.
In many situations, each parent should supply most of their everyday clothing during their own parenting time without the hassle of receipts or reimbursements from the other party. The exception to this is often items that go back and forth, but the child only needs one of them, such as a winter coat or their sports uniform. Generally, the parents still share in the costs of these items. However, if the quality or variety of the everyday clothing available to the child at one parent’s home is vastly different from the other’s, you may start to see or feel resentment between the parents or between the teen. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, and what works best in your situation may still be an imperfect solution.
Often, you have to find a way to find a balance. Maybe those items from Target were not a deal if the teen left them hanging in the closet. Maybe the teen is mature enough to understand that a t-shirt for $100 isn’t practical in most financial situations. Maybe mom is good about finding sales on the undershirts, socks, and necessities that the child likes, and dad focuses on purchasing just a few more expensive items, but the teen thinks are “cool.” Most teens have some understanding that when the financial situations of their parents aren’t equal and that it doesn’t mean that they are loved any less.
Extracurriculars
The cost in time and money for sports and extracurriculars is a frequent source of contention for parents who share joint custody. Between “select” sports, “elite” clubs, and stay-to-play tournaments, these activities can get expensive fast. You may need to find a team or provider that works for your teen and for both parents. Sometimes this means choosing an activity that has a lower commitment level if both parents aren’t on board with taking to almost daily practices, nor spending money on frequent out-of-state travel.
Other times, this means finding a way to make this happen if your child is talented and this activity is part of their identity. Whether a parent should bend their preferences for their teen depends in part on whether the child just has a “meh” interest in the activity or if the teen is on track to have the potential to play Division I or has dreams (realistic or not) of the big leagues. There is also value in the child having some downtime and family time and not being overscheduled. All of these types of factors come into play in what is reasonable.
Stop the Guilt and Lower Expectations
So, what do you do about all this? When a judge signs a custody order, financial parity doesn’t happen magically. This balance becomes uncomfortable when one parent splurges on trips while another pinches pennies to cover food and clothing.
- What do you do when your teen wants something and one of you can’t possibly afford it?
- How will you cover your teenager’s expenses after divorce, and where do the financial responsibilities lie?
That’s when flexibility (and swallowing your pride) becomes necessary. Sometimes, this involves changing the teen’s expectations. Other times, you’ll need to find the money if it’s in the child’s best interests.
If there’s any resentment, bring in outside help before it becomes a toxic situation that gets away from you. This could be a mediator or the attorneys who helped you resolve your case. It could also be another third party that you both know and have some level of trust. Also, keep in mind that teens pay attention. Even when you try to keep the teen out of the adult situations, they often notice who pays for what, and they can feel the awkwardness in the situation. Try not to put unnecessary stress on your child ,and figure out the adult problems between the adults.
When money conversations become strained, sometimes something as simple and practical as Venmo notes that describe the expenditure “help – for new Soccer cleats needed,” can do wonders. Be open to practical solutions.
What you’re aiming for isn’t to balance the scorecard – it’s to prevent things from getting weird for your teen or making them feel guilty. It is helping your teen meet their goals and live their best life while still being a realist that these things cost money and money doesn’t grow on trees.
Jobs, Allowance, and Teaching Teens Money Smarts
One of the most beneficial things you can do for your teen after the divorce goes through is to give them the “money talk.” Not a lecture, but a discussion where you give them more responsibility in the financial decision-making.
Need those pricey “hot” sneakers? – Great! Let’s come up with an agreement. You can agree to pay half, and the teen can contribute half. Or, I’ll give you a monthly allowance and you spend it as you’d like.
You’d be amazed at how fast teens learn to do cost-per-wear calculations when involved in the transaction. Create a financial situation that you and your ex can agree on and use the same strategy. This will create consistency regardless of who the teen is with.
Side jobs, part-time jobs, and even budgeting their allowance provide your teen with some autonomy and responsibility. This can lower the financial burden “slightly” – Win-win.
Teenager Expenses After Divorce: Final Thoughts (Without Courtroom Dramatics)
You won’t resolve every financial conflict with your co-parent, and that’s fine. The key is staying centered on your teen’s needs: emotionally, physically, and sometimes financially.
- Drop the passive-aggressive messages
- Avoid balancing the scorebook, and be creative
- Divide things when you should
While there are times your best option is to modify your court order to fine-tune the language or seek court enforcement when the other parent truly doesn’t pay their share, there is often a balance if both parents have some motivation and flexibility to find it.
Keep in mind: Overall, your teenager likely won’t remember in the long run who bought what prom dress or who paid for football camp. They’ll recall how you managed when things got ugly and whether they felt each parent gave what support they could, monetary or otherwise.
So, manage it with grace, grit, and a sense of humor when the expensive prom dress or fad sneakers do come up.
Law Office of Julie Fowler, PC, LLO | Divorce Lawyers Omaha
Child Custody | Child Support | Divorce Lawyers Omaha
If you are looking for an attorney in a child custody, child support case, or divorce case in Omaha, Nebraska, or the surrounding areas (including Papillion, Bellevue, Gretna, Elkhorn, Douglas, and Sarpy), contact our office to set up a consultation.