You’re thinking about reaching out to your ex by sending a text. It might be tempting to do it—perhaps in a moment of emotion, loneliness, or curiosity. But before you hit “send,” pause. There are some legal do’s and don’ts that you need to think about.
We all know that relationships can get complicated. There’s often unfinished business when you and a former partner split. But one quick message—no matter how innocent it may seem—can land you in legal hot water.
What you consider a casual check-in might be viewed as harassment, intimidation, or even a violation of a court order. If your breakup involves a divorce, custody case, or protection order, texting your ex can have real legal consequences.
Respecting Boundaries – No is No
While we’re all about keeping things respectful and balanced, it’s critical to point out that some messages can cross legal lines.
If your ex has explicitly asked you not to contact them, then reaching out anyway—by text, call, or even social media DM—can be considered harassment in some situations. In many states, including Nebraska, harassment laws can include:
- Repeated unwanted contact
- Threatening or alarming language
- Attempts to monitor or track someone
- Communications that serve no legitimate purpose
If your ex has obtained a protection or restraining order, texting them—even once—can be a violation that leads to criminal charges. Don’t assume that a simple “Hey, just checking in” is harmless. Respect the court order and protect yourself from unnecessary legal complications.
Keep in mind that a protection order is against the person filed against and does NOT apply to the person who requested the protection order. This means that if a protection order is filed against you, then you can’t contact the other party. It DOES NOT mean that the other party can’t contact you. While it may be used as evidence to try to get the protection order dismissed in the future, a contact by the protected person isn’t a violation of the protection order. However, if you respond, you are in violation of the order AND can be subject to criminal charges for violating the protection order. Even if you are contacted, don’t respond.
That being said, unless there is a protection order or other form of no-contact order in place, a person just saying don’t contact me doesn’t necessarily mean that you are legally prohibited from contacting them. If you have children together and are asking a legitimate question, the other party just saying that any contact is harassment doesn’t make it legally so. You can’t use disrespectful language or contact excessively, but contact with a professional and legitimate purpose isn’t generally going to be considered harassment. However, if the other party is asking you not to contact them or is choosing not to respond to your legitimate questions, then you likely need to get a communication protocol in place. As part of your custody order and parenting plan, the Court can include a requirement that each party must respond to legitimate communications within a specific timeframe. It is better to file the custody case and get a communication protocol in place than risk having a harassment protection order entered against you.
If the other party expresses that your contact is unwanted, respect their boundaries and let the Court help set the parameters for your communications instead.
Don’t Post Anything That You’d Later Regret
If you’re crafting a message out of frustration, anger, or heartbreak, step away from the phone. Texting under emotional duress is a recipe for regret.
One careless word or emotional outburst can escalate the situation. Even non-threatening but emotionally laden texts can be used as evidence of harassment or emotional abuse. Worse yet, if your message contains false, damaging claims, you could face defamation or other character attack allegations.
Even texts that seem “romantic” or nostalgic—like telling your ex you miss them, want to fix things, or remember the “good times”—can be interpreted as unwanted advances if your ex has cut ties. This is especially risky during an ongoing divorce or child custody case.
Pro tip: If you’re unsure whether you should send a text, ask yourself:
Would I be okay with a judge reading this message out loud in court?
If the answer is no, delete it.
Don’t send it. Don’t post it. Stay off social media.
Be Ready for the Change in Communication – Focus on Rights and Responsibilities, Not Feelings
Communication changes once you two are no longer a couple. When you were together, your emotions and feelings were something that you were supposed to share with the other part,y and the other party was expected to consider them when responding. Your parenting relationship and communication are expected to change once you are no longer together, especially if the custody or parenting time is disputed.
This may sound cruel, but once you are no longer a couple, it is not appropriate for you to be sharing your thoughts and feelings in the same way that you were encouraged to do as a couple. There is some nuance to this, and it sometimes takes some time to understand the difference. For example, when you are together and the other party upsets you, you might send them a message as to how their acts hurt you and why. However, when you are no longer together, generally, these types of feelings are no longer appropriate to share in the same way. The focus of communication needs to switch from each party’s wants and feelings to their rights and responsibilities.
One way to look at it is that the communication switches from communications you have in a relationship with someone intimate to communications that you might have with a business associate, and possibly an unfriendly one that you still have to find a way to work with. Make sure that what you send you wouldn’t be embarrassed to have as part of the court record or have read out to the public in an open court. In fact, text messages and similar communications are used as evidence in almost every contested custody case. If you don’t want a judge to read it (and potentially have it read by those attending your trial as observers or support), then you better not send it.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t express any concerns or preferences. The focus has just shifted from your feelings and wants to your rights and responsibilities.
For some examples:
“I am so hurt about what you said at the last hearing. You know I have anxiety, and what you said wasn’t true. I can’t trust you anymore due to what you said.”
Should this be sent? No, probably not. Although you may certainly feel this way, it isn’t appropriate to send a message like this to the other party. In fact, the other party may try to spin this type of message against you to claim you have mental health issues, are immature, or are harassing. Instead, don’t communicate like this with the other party and focus your efforts on obtaining evidence to prove the other side was false to help, instead of potentially hurt, your case.
“Our son said that he didn’t go to bed until 9:30 p.m. You know his bedtime has always been 9:00 p.m. You need to get him to bed on time.”
Should this be sent? Again, no, probably not. Now that you are separated, it is normal for there to be some variation in rules between the two homes. As long as the parent is acting within their discretion, one party doesn’t get to dictate to the other party on majority of the day-to-day parenting time decisions. Now, if the child’s bedtime is 2 a.m., that is another matter, but the judges generally allow each parent to set their own rules within their own parenting time. Communications about behaviors within their parental discretion could be made to seem controlling or inflexible.
“Our daughter says she hates being at your house. It isn’t any fun, and she says that you are mean to her. You are only thinking of yourself by making her come when she doesn’t want to.”
Should this be sent? Again, no. If you and the other parent disagree on the court-ordered parenting time, then you can present your concerns in mediation or ask the Court to modify the order. Messages like these can easily be spun against the writer. In fact, messages like these can be used against the writer to show that they are talking with the child too much about the case or encouraging the child to violate the order and alienate the other parent. If you want the parenting time changed or know the child doesn’t want to spend so much time with the other parent, there are more constructive ways to communicate and approach this.
“Our son’s electronic device shows that he was logged into his device at 2 a.m. and playing games at this time on a school night. I can share the info with you if you want to start checking too. Could we talk about this, please?”
Should this be sent? Yes, probably so. This is something that the other parent needs to know about. The communication is generally stating the facts and is focused on finding a solution. It is free of name-calling or blame. While the writer is probably upset, it leaves out comments regarding the writer’s feelings or emotions. It is professional and respectful. It is clear that the writer is not happy about this without explicitly stating so.
Stay Respectful and Don’t Give Them Ammo
Your texts can be screenshots. They can be shared. And yes—they can be entered into evidence during legal proceedings. If you’re going through a divorce or custody case, your communication history can be used against you.
Avoid:
- Blame or accusations
- Passive-aggressive messages
- Guilt trips or manipulation
- Retaliatory texts over finances or parenting
- Threats or ultimatums
When you must communicate—especially if children or shared assets are involved—stick to facts and keep your tone neutral. Use text messages for necessary communication only, and avoid emotional rants. If you have children together, consider agreeing to a parenting app.
Here is more about Parenting Apps.
Keep in mind that the other party’s bad behaviors or negative communication methods don’t justify yours. Sometimes, a client points out how poorly the other party communicates with them. However, if the client’s responses also put the client in a negative light, then the other party’s negative behaviors may be neutralized by the client’s own less-than-desirable response. It is extremely important to remain professional and on-topic in your responses, even if the other party doesn’t do the same. I know this is easier said than done! However, your professionalism in response to their immaturity can make all the difference in the outcome, especially in an otherwise close case.
Stay Off of Social Media
While you have the freedom of speech, the best practice is to stay off social media and keep your affairs and those of your children private, especially while a custody case or divorce is pending. Even seemingly innocent posts could be twisted to use against you.
Don’t Threaten or Intimidate
Never send a threatening message, even if it’s just in the heat of the moment. In the eyes of the law, a threat doesn’t have to be physical—it can be emotional, financial, or psychological.
Examples of messages that can be considered threatening:
- “You’ll pay for this.”
- “If I don’t hear from you, I’ll show up at your place.”
- “I’ll ruin your life if you take me to court.”
These messages can result in harassment, domestic violence, or terrorist threat charges, even if you didn’t mean them literally. In many cases, text threats can serve as the basis for a restraining order or a criminal case. Always remember: your words can carry serious consequences in a court of law.
If you’re upset, pause. Don’t respond. Call a trusted friend or therapist instead.
Divorce, Custody & Protection Orders: What You Text Can Be Used Against You
If you’re in the middle of a legal dispute with your ex—especially one involving divorce, parenting time, custody, or property—be very cautious about any communication.
Family court judges can and do review text message histories when:
- Determining custody or visitation
- Assessing one parent’s emotional stability or maturity level
- Determining which parent is better able to act and react professionally in a child’s best interests in a high-conflict case
- Determining if a parent is alienating a child
- Deciding if one party violated a no-contact order
- Reviewing financial discussions
Even if your message wasn’t meant to be harmful, your ex can present it as evidence of controlling or erratic behavior. This can negatively impact your case and can lead to court-imposed communication restrictions.
When in doubt, talk to your attorney before sending any message—especially if tensions are high.
Legal Advice for Texting Your Ex: Speak to Your Attorney If You Think You Made a Mistake
We’ve all texted something we regret. If your ex reacts badly to something you sent—or worse, threatens legal action—don’t panic. But don’t ignore it either.
Speak with your family law attorney immediately. A qualified lawyer can review the message, assess your legal risk, and help you navigate the best next steps—whether that’s responding appropriately, requesting communication boundaries, or protecting yourself from false claims.
At the Law Office of Julie Fowler, we understand how emotional breakups can lead to impulsive decisions. We offer experienced, compassionate legal counsel to help you handle post-breakup communications legally and responsibly.
Final Thoughts: Think Before You Text
A breakup can stir up a whirlwind of emotions—regret, anger, loneliness, guilt. But texting your ex impulsively or emotionally can have serious legal consequences, especially if the relationship ended badly or if there are active legal proceedings.
Protect yourself. Respect boundaries. And when in doubt, don’t hit send.
Law Office of Julie Fowler, PC, LLO | Divorce Lawyers Omaha
Child Custody | Child Support | Divorce Lawyers Omaha
If you are looking for an attorney in a child custody, child support case, or divorce case in Omaha, Nebraska, or the surrounding areas (including Papillion, Bellevue, Gretna, Elkhorn, Douglas, and Sarpy), contact our office to set up a consultation.