Navigating High-Conflict Divorce in Nebraska: Tips for Success

Divorce is often not easy, but a high-conflict divorce can be especially emotional. It takes emotional resilience, effective communication, and professional legal support to have the best results. This post gives you some of the effective strategies to navigate the storm during a high-conflict divorce and come out stronger on the other side.

Navigating High-Conflict Divorce in Nebraska: Strategies for Success

Importance of Mental Health Support in High-Conflict Divorce

Going through a high-conflict divorce can be tough. It’s important to have a strong support system in place. In addition to your attorney’s assistance for the legal side, don’t neglect your mental health. Call on your family and friends. Have a trusted individual or two that let’s you talk when you need to. Find someone that gives you perspective when it becomes hard to think non-emotionally.

It is also very common for those in a high-conflict divorce to meet regularly with a counselor or therapist. A good counselor is often a source of continuous emotional support. Further, and just as importantly, a good counselor will offer tools and strategies to help you manage emotional strain and communicate better with your soon-to-be-ex. They can assist with navigating the complex family dynamics that often accompany a high-conflict divorce, especially when there are children involved.

Retain an Experienced Attorney

Since high-conflict divorces are sometimes messy and contentious, hiring a divorce attorney can provide invaluable guidance and representation. A well-versed lawyer understands the complexities of these cases. They know how to navigate the legal system efficiently and effectively. An experienced divorce attorney develops a strategic plan to protect your interests and achieve a fair outcome.

Consider Mediation

There is often a misunderstanding that you do either mediation or the court process. This is a false dichotomy. Mediation is often a required element of the court process for a divorce. In fact, if you have children together, Nebraska is one of the states that REQUIRES mediation as part of the divorce process if you can’t promptly reach an agreement regarding all the custody and parenting time issues on your own.

Although mediation of the custody and parenting time issues is often required, you may also use mediation to help resolve the financial aspects of the case. If the spouses are unable to reach an agreement as to how to divide the assets and debts through settlement negotiations, then mediation may be helpful. In some situations, mediation of the financial issues is also required by the Court before the Court will set the case for a trial date.

Keep in mind that mediation is a great tool to help resolve a case when settlement discussions alone can’t resolve the issues. A well-trained mediator often plays devil’s advocate to help each party see the other side’s perspective and to encourage each party to find some middle ground.

Effective Communication Techniques for High-Conflict Divorce

Maintaining positive communication between a divorcing couple is often one of the major challenges in a high-conflict divorce. Good communication helps minimize misunderstandings and conflict. Poor communication can make things worse.

Use Business-Like Communication

Make all communications with your ex-spouse business-like. Conduct communications in a respectful, but non-emotional way. Keep subjects oriented around necessary issues involving:

Child custody
Division of property

Stay off Social Media

While it may be tempting and cathartic in the moment to share your story with the world, this isn’t the time to be posting on social media. Keep your private matters private. Stay off social media. Social media posts can often be twisted to use against you. Further, no matter your intent or how well worded, posting about your divorce or experiences during divorce on social media often comes off as if the person shows a lack of maturity or judgment.

If you do want to post on social media while the divorce is pending, speak with your attorney first. Absent unusual circumstances, your attorney will likely advise against posting.

The Importance of Written Communication

When you put something in writing, it gives you more time to think before you share with the other person. You can more carefully craft your words to try to have the effect that you intend. Think carefully about your words before sending any message. Wait until you have a cool head before writing back. It helps avoid impulsive reactions and reduces misunderstandings when dealing with high-conflict situations.

Written communications also provide a record of your interactions. It is much easier to prove who said what when your communications are written instead of oral. While it is possible to submit videos or audios of the other party speaking to you, it is often a time-consuming method of evidence. A text message from the other spouse takes a few seconds for a judge to read and is often relatively easy to get into evidence.

Even a short recording often requires an in-person hearing, with a court reporter, and with the court’s preferred audio-visual equipment available. With the court’s busy schedule, you often have to focus on your best evidence when presenting evidence and your best argument. Thus, sometimes it makes sense to offer a recording or video, but generally written communication is the better method to use.

Texts and e-mails are often received in evidence as part of a high-conflict divorce trial. There are also now parenting apps with a text message-like feature. These apps help keep communications organized by topic and date. The communications stored in a parenting app are more difficult to manipulate the timing or actual message sent. This gives you further protection if are concerned the other party will try to manipulate evidence.

Learn more: How Co-Parenting Apps Help In Divorce Or Separation

Change Your Perspective in Communications

While you were married, it was important for both parties to understand the feelings and experiences of their spouse. You needed to make sure your spouse felt heard and appreciated.

Now that you are getting divorced, the feelings of your spouse are no longer your priority. I know this sounds cruel at first, but the relationship has changed. You are no longer working to love and support one another. Your relationship is often now more of a business transaction. You still need to show understanding and respect, but frankly, the deep emotional wants and needs of the other party are no longer your concern. And you shouldn’t expect yours to be to your ex either.

Communications that were appropriate about your feelings and wanting to be heard may now be highly inappropriate. This shift can feel sudden and disconcerting, especially if you relied on your spouse for either emotional or financial support. A counselor or therapist experienced with divorce can often be helpful when you are having communication issues with your soon to be ex-spouse.

If you tried marriage counseling in the past, don’t be surprised if the strategies and expectations that your counselor advises are now radically different once your goal has shifted from saving the marriage to ending the marriage. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the tips from marriage counseling regarding communication to try to save the marriage still apply in a divorce. They often don’t and are often contrary to your best interests now.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of people that remain close friends with their ex-spouse. However, if you are in a high-conflict divorce, it is often common for each spouse to want to have as little to do with the other spouse as possible. Your communication needs to switch to being about the business of child-rearing and financials only. These should generally be factual communications and free of emotion. While you can still share your perspective, you are sharing your factual reasonings and logic, not how the situation emotionally affects you or your “feelings” on the matter.

If you tend to be a high emotion person or someone that leads with their heart, this shift can be especially difficult to navigate. A counselor or therapist may be necessary to help you learn the new style of communication suddenly expected of you.

In close cases, hasty or emotional actions and communications can make or break a case. Learn how to keep a cool head when responding and channel your professional and business-side when communicating with your soon-to-be-ex.

Be a Good Listener and Show Respect

That being said, you still need to be respectful to the other side. You need to make sure you are hearing out the party’s reasonings before responding or making a decision. Listening or otherwise giving the party time to respond is equally important to sharing your reasonings. Try to genuinely comprehend the perspective of your spouse without interrupting.

If you are in person, this means waiting for the other party to finish. Actively listen to what the other person is saying. Don’t just wait for the other person to stop speaking so you can state your side.

If your communications are written, this means giving the other party an appropriate amount of time to respond. While it would be highly unusual for there to be extended pauses in an in-person discussion, it is common for there to be large blocks of time between communications that go back and forth in a written format.

Give the other party time to think over what you’ve said and formulate their response. Engage in business-like and professional communications. In non-urgent business matters, you might wait a day or two to really try to understand the other party’s concerns and your own goals before formulating a written response, especially if the situation is very important or emotionally charging. You should be doing the same thing in your divorce. Give yourself time to formulate an appropriate response in non-urgent situations and also give the other party the time and space to do the same.

Limit Communication

Avoid overwhelming yourself by limiting the time and number of ways your spouse can still contact you. If you have children together, this could be things like agreeing for all communications to be through a parenting app. This avoids the ugly scenario of divorcing parents getting into a heated argument in front of their children while doing a parenting time exchange.

You can also agree to limit the timing of communications. For example, you can agree for each party to give the other party a set period of time to respond for non-urgent matters. This could be something like agreeing to wait at least 48 hours before sending a follow up message, but also for all communications to be responded to within 48 hours. Set boundaries by choosing a consistent method of communication and stick to it. Honor the agreement to give the other party time to think and respond and also fulfill your obligation to respond within the agreed-upon timeframe. This strategy helps you feel more in control, but also less bombarded by constant contact.

Strategies to Manage Emotions and Reduce Conflict in Divorce

Generally, the high-conflict divorces are those that are especially emotionally draining and tend to take a longer time to settle or get to trial. The control and management of your emotions are essential in reducing conflict and increasing the likelihood of a successful outcome. While you can’t control the behaviors of the other party, you can control your responses. In a tight case, it is often the party with the cooler head who is successful. The party that responded with logic and reasoning is much more likely to come out ahead than the party that acted out on feelings or emotions in the moment.

That being said, you are human and have emotions. You need to process the emotions that come with a divorce, even though it is often no longer appropriate to really share your thoughts and feelings with your soon-to-be-ex. A therapist or counselor can help you process your feelings and find ways to cope with these levels of conflict. They’ll help you learn how to handle stress and remain calm throughout the process. They’ll talk to you about how the strategies and goals of the communications have fundamentally changed and help you develop the new communication style necessary to successfully handle your soon-to-be-ex.

If you are feeling down, don’t forget that there are things that you can do in the moment to help you feel better. Create time for activities that help you feel relaxed and recharged. This can include:

Exercise
Meditation
Hobbies
Getting outside
Reconnecting with friends and family

These activities can go a long way in helping you cope with the process of a high-conflict divorce. If you are a runner and receive a message from your spouse that is emotionally charged, your response might be far different (and better!) if you go for that run first before responding than if you respond immediately before your run. Even if you don’t run, keep that same perspective in mind and find what works for you. Find a way to relax and recharge first so you don’t respond with something that you may later regret.

Take care of your mental health so that you treat yourself with respect, and your ex with respect and professionalism as well.