The holidays are a time for family traditions and celebrations. Family time and get-togethers help make the holidays so special. They also create the logistical complications that come with the holidays. Balancing not just your schedule and wants, but those of close friends and the extended family can get complicated quickly. Throw co-parenting challenges into the mix and the holidays might not seem like such a jolly time of year. Balancing time, managing emotions, and juggling different priorities can make the holidays complicated. Co-parenting during the holidays is not easy, but it is often possible to create a positive experience for everyone involved.
Effective communication and early planning are some of the keys to successful co-parenting during the holidays. By prioritizing stability and creating new or blended holiday traditions, separated parents can reduce conflict, respect their parenting relationship, and make the holidays meaningful for their children.
This guide offers practical tips to help navigate holiday scheduling, emotional challenges, and shared responsibilities. It aims to support divorced or separated parents in making the holidays smoother and more enjoyable for their families and children.
Co-Parenting During the Holidays: A Practical Guide for Separated Parents to Navigate
Plan Ahead – Consistency is Often Key
Have a plan before the holidays arrive. Even if it is a tough conversation with the other parent, don’t put it off. Reaching a consensus will only get tougher as the holidays get closer.
If you have a parenting plan, you are ahead of the game. Your parenting plan should include the holidays. If you have a parenting plan, you already have a plan, or at least a back-up plan, for the holidays in writing. If you keep this schedule consistent from year-to-year, you know your plan well ahead of time and you and your extended family can know with some confidence well in advance when your child will be available for your holiday celebrations. Consistency is often key to allowing everyone to plan ahead and set expectations.
If you don’t have a parenting plan and you can’t agree on the holidays with the other parent, maybe it is to get something legal and in writing in place. Be aware that court schedules fill up early, especially around the holidays. Depending on your court and judge’s schedule, you might be able to get in front of a judge quickly (sometimes as short as a week or two), but more often you will need to wait a month or more for your hearing. If you can get a hearing date prior to the holidays, often a judge can enter a temporary order addressing the specifics of who gets what time for the upcoming holidays. Your final order will likely include a parenting plan with a holiday schedule moving forward.
Consider the Extended Family
Holidays often mean time with relatives. You may be trying to coordinate not only with the other parent but with other extended family members that are traveling to celebrate the holidays with you. The other parent may be trying to accommodate the schedules of other family members as well. If you can have more flexibility in your plans, try to accommodate the other parent if they have traveling family. If you don’t have flexibility in your plans, let the other parent know early. Also, let your extended family members know what ways you can and can’t work around their schedule due to your child’s schedule. The goal should often be for your child to get to spend some time with the extended family as well, but this isn’t always possible.
Remember that Your Child is Likely Trying to Find a Balance Too
If you don’t like the other parent, your children almost always know it. They may feel pressure to try to find a way to not disappoint either parent. Whatever their true wants are, they may say what they think a parent wants to hear. Other times they will say they want whatever causes the least amount of conflict between the parents, even if that is contrary to their true wants. If your goal is for your child to have the best possible holidays, don’t put your child in the middle. Don’t talk bad about their other parent or their other family members. Don’t openly criticize their traditions.
Sometimes separated parents think the best strategy is to have both parents present at the same holiday celebrations. This works in some families where the parents continue to have a good relationship after the separation. However, this is somewhat rare and often doesn’t work long term. Even if the parents agree to be physically present at the celebration together, the children may feel pressure to try to make sure one or both parents feel comfortable. If there is tension, it may be too uncomfortable for the children to really relax and enjoy the holidays. Especially as parents start to move on to new relationships and the children start to have relationships with these new significant others, celebrating holidays jointly is almost never the best solution for the children. Keep in mind what is comfortable for your children when deciding if a joint celebration is really what will work best.
Handling Last-Minute Changes
Unexpected events happen. Canceled flights. Bad Weather. Illness. Parents should agree on a way to communicate quickly if there is a change outside a parent’s control. Texting is a popular choice so that the communications are in writing and so that each parent has time to think before they respond.
Flexibility is important. Put your child’s needs first and try to find a compromise if something happens outside of the other parent’s control. That being said, it often isn’t fair to ask to accommodate if the change is really the result of a parent’s poor planning. However, the goal is to do what most benefits your child or makes them happy. Sometimes it makes sense to compromise for your child’s benefit even if the actions of the other parent don’t really “deserve” the accommodation.
A good rule of thumb is to compromise if the change was truly out of the other parent’s control. If it was really the result of poor planning, compromise if it overall benefits your child or their wants for the holidays.
Effective Communication Strategies
Clear and calm communication helps separated parents coordinate plans, avoid misunderstandings, and handle disagreements around the holidays. Using respectful language, reliable tools, and timely conflict resolution can make the process smoother and less stressful.
Maintaining Respectful Dialogue
Respectful dialogue means focusing on facts and being polite, or at least civil, even when emotions run high. Parents should avoid blaming or bringing up old issues. If it is a communication you would be embarrassed to have read out loud in Court, then don’t send it.
Using neutral and factual language works better than accusations. Listening without interrupting and acknowledging the other parent’s concerns show respect and help maintain a healthier parenting relationship.
Parents should avoid talking to their children about contested issues between the parents and keep sensitive topics private. Following these habits builds trust and cooperation in co-parenting during the holidays. It keeps your children from feeling like they are in the middle or that they have to be the mediator or judge between the parents. Don’t put your children in this position.
Remember Your Relationship Status
Some communication problems between recently separated co-parents are due to one or both parents not understanding that there often needs to be a fundamental shift in communication once the parents are no longer together. When you are in a relationship, you generally have shared goals and a responsibility to make sure the other partner’s needs are met and that they feel heard.
Once the relationship is over, there usually needs to be a fundamental shift. The other parent’s wants, needs, and feelings are now only secondary concerns. You have your own life to live and often other relationships that are now more important. Your child’s needs, wants, and feelings are your priorities, even if to the detriment to the other parent. Frankly, the feelings and information you shared and the way you communicated while in a relationship with the other parent are often inappropriate once you are broken up. While you need to communicate with the other parent, the information shared should generally focus on the facts, not feelings, and focus on those as they relate to the specific discussion at hand. Share your wants, but in a respectful manner. Remember that your wants, needs, and feelings may rightfully be lesser concerns to the other parent’s actions and decisions now. They often have other relationships than the one with you that are their priorities now, and rightfully so.
Using Technology for Coordination
Technology provides helpful tools to organize holiday scheduling and share important details. Shared calendars, text messaging, or parenting apps allow parents to keep plans visible and avoid conflicts.
Helpful features include:
- Real-time updates on changes
- Reminders for pickup and drop-off times
- Written responses for quick reference of prior conversations
Using a parenting app or other written communication tools can also help create consistency in communication and also a record of the events.
Addressing Conflicts Proactively
Dealing with conflicts early helps prevent bigger problems. Parents should try to identify small issues before they escalate.
If emotions rise, take a short break before responding to allow both parents to cool down and protect their own mental health. When conflicts cannot be solved privately, asking for help from a trusted third party, such as a neutral friend, mediator or counselor, keeps discussions focused on the children’s holiday happiness. Attorneys often help resolve minor disagreements between the parties when they have a custody case pending.
Don’t Try for Perfection
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, your children, and on trying to celebrate the perfect holiday. Even when you were a couple, the holidays may not have been perfect. You could plan the perfect holiday and your child might still be grumpy or unenthusiastic on the day of the holiday. They might grumble at going to grandma’s even though you decide it is still best for them to attend. Don’t let your child try to convince you that they should get to call the shots or that it is your fault that they are grumpy. Preserve your holiday traditions and try to make the holidays jolly, whether your child makes this easy or not. Cut yourself some slack if things don’t go perfectly.
Creating New Family Traditions
The holidays will not be the same once you are separated. You will likely miss out on some of the time that you wanted with your child over the holidays because you are now dividing time with the other parent. Some things are sad, but true. In order to enjoy the holidays, you might also need to develop some new holiday traditions that don’t involve your child. Many parents choose to alternate the holiday. In the year that is the other parent’s Thanksgiving, maybe plan a Friendsgiving to celebrate. Maybe Christmas morning is now cocktails with girlfriends in the year the children are with the other parent. While you might be focused on creating or modifying the traditions for your children, don’t forget to plan new traditions for yourself. Many children come to enjoy having two Christmases and two birthday celebrations. Make sure you find some things to enjoy during your off-time. These new traditions help children feel secure and excited about the holidays, without feeling guilty about being away from their other parent.
Encouraging children to take part in new activities provides them with joy, stability, and meaningful ways to stay connected to both households. Let them know that you want them to enjoy their time at the other parent’s celebration and that you plan to have a good time even while missing them. Give your children the freedom to enjoy their holidays without guilt.
Managing Emotional Challenges
Holidays can bring up tough emotions for both children and parents. It’s important to acknowledge feelings like sadness, anger, or confusion without judgment.
Parents should encourage children to express their emotions and be careful to listen without criticizing their other parent. Clear communication between co-parents also help prevent putting children in the middle of disagreements. Techniques such as calming activities or counseling can provide useful tips for co-parents to manage emotions and stress in co-parenting during the holidays. You can’t control the other parent’s behavior, but you can take steps to better manage your own emotions and responses.
You Got This
Figuring out how to divide the holidays between separated parents can feel daunting. Plan Ahead. Get on a Consistent Holiday Schedule. Don’t Try for Perfection. It won’t be long before your new traditions become what you and your children expect and look forward to. You got this.
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